Doug Answers Your Coaching Questions

Over the past few weeks, some of our readers have submitted questions for Doug. If you have a question for Doug, please email us at AskDoug@LSTIonline.com. We would love to hear from you!

 

Q. Dear Doug- I am frustrated because I get passed-over for the better promotions in my department. I work at a successful company with great possibilities for advancement but I have been passed over several times for promotions. My boss seems to like me and gives me good reviews but I am not getting promoted. What should I do? I feel that I deserve to be promoted more than some of my colleagues. Margaret S.

A. Dear Margaret,
I can certainly understand your frustration. First, be sure not to blame yourself. You describe a common problem faced by many women.

I suggest the following action on your part: Talk to your boss about why you have not been promoted. Inquire about additional projects or steps you might take to be considered for advancement. Don’t be shy- make it clear you are interested in moving forward. (By the way, any time you talk to your boss or superior keep a comprehensive, written description of the dialogue including date, place and time.) I also suggest you talk with women who are further up the ladder than you are for advice or guidance. If there is none in your company, find women in managerial or executive positions in other companies and take them to lunch. Finally, talk with someone you can trust in the HR department about your plans and concerns.

Don’t give up! In my experience working with executive women, these issues are extremely common but women are more than capable of rising to the top!

Q. Dear Doug- I have a three-month old daughter. She is my first child and I am so happy to have her. But lately I have been feeling like I have not been connecting with my husband since all I do is care for the baby! I am so tired, I barely have the energy to take care of her, the cooking and the house. I’m not being a very good wife. What can I do? Mary Z.

A.  Dear Mary, the first thing you can do is to congratulate yourself for keeping up with the needs of a new baby. That is a big job by itself. Secondly, please accept that you simply are not going to do your domestic jobs the way you might like. That is just a fact. Finally, with so much on your plate you will not be the wife you want to be with your husband right now. That’s another fact.

So, start by accepting this reality that you (and all new mothers) face with a first-born. Next, ask yourself if you are taking care of yourself and getting your needs met? If you put your needs first (e.g. sleep, nourishment, R&R) you will be a better mother. This will allow you to connect others (including your husband) on a more complete and relaxed level.

You may ask, how can I do all that if I don’t have time or energy to do what I am already doing? The answer is: you seek help and support. Start with you husband! Ask him to share some of the parenting tasks with you, spend time with you during the feedings, and certainly block-out some time together while the baby is asleep! Steal these moments when you can. You also may look into a caregiver (another new mother who you can trade off with, a mature young person, a relative, an infant care center) who can relieve you for an hour or two during the day.
Overall, you need more time for you! Put your needs and your wellbeing first! Even though time is short, these breaks will allow you to feel less depleted and better able to connect with your husband and other loved ones.

You may also wish to read the article “Selfishness is a virtue?” under “Resources” on our website, www.LSTIonline.com. I want you to be a happy mom and a happy wife. This could be the best time of your life! Doug

 

Q. Dear Doug- I have been working for a department store since I graduated college with a major in marketing. After nearly nine years I have been promoted to department manager. I think I am doing a good job but I don’t like the work very much and I am bored. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life managing a retail department. I don’t know what else I want to do since all the jobs I’ve had were in retail. I feel stuck; I don’t know what to do. Larissa B.

A. Dear Larissa,
Leaving a secure job after nine years can be pretty scary. It sounds like the question is “Should I stay for the security and the benefits and be bored and unfulfilled, or risk loosing it all?” On the other hand, spending even more time in a “boring” job sounds dismal!

The task facing you is: get clear about the things you like to do and the kind of work about which you will feel passion. I say, “If it’s work, don’t do it”. Easier said than done, you say? That might be true, as putting your finger on what motivates you can be challenging and can take some hard introspective work. But it is well worth it, as only until you get a feeling about what will excite you can you begin to explore the possibilities available. Once you find a good direction, bite the bullet, take the risk and go for it! You will not regret going after your true dreams. Doug

 

Q. Dear Doug- I am a junior vice president at a national bank. The woman I report to recommended I get an executive coach. She said her coaching is done over the phone. I am skeptical about trying it because it does not seem personal enough to me. How does this work, and does it work as well as in-person meetings? Deborah V.

A. Dear Deborah, thank you for your question and I hear this question all the time. Many types of coaching are done over the phone (life, career, executive, health, etc.) and executives like yourself often find coaching over the phone to be an ideal solution.

The first step for a new coach is to develop a close, personal rapport with you. Once this is accomplished the interchanges are quite personal. A qualified coach can “read” the information of non-verbal cues in the voice and tone during the conversation, so a comfortable relationship is imperative. Your coach must have a clear understanding about your goals and expectations of the session, and then structure an on-going developmental plan. In addition to this “big picture” plan, your coach should also address the day-to-day problems for which you seek solutions. I suggest you try the phone coaching for six weeks and see if it works for you. It is worth a try, as the convenience of phone coaching fits a busy and hectic lifestyle! Doug

 

Q. Dear Doug- I am a proud mom with 4 grown children. My youngest graduated from college last spring and has moved back home. He says he just doesn’t know what he wants to do. He seems to have no motivation to find a job or a career that he is even willing to try. My husband and I have tried to help him because we don’t want him to live at home forever and we don’t want to continue to support him financially. What can I do to support him in a healthy way? Martha M.

A. Dear Martha, the answer to your question is: stop supporting him! He is faced with the age-appropriate task of finding himself, his independence and a way to support himself. As long as you and your husband “support” him, he is unlikely to find the courage to go out there and be an adult that supports himself.

Unknowingly, you are enabling him to remain dependent on you and your support. He is the “baby” and it is often hardest for the youngest child to take on independence. In a normal family, they have always been looked after and often indulged. Why should he give that up if he can keep it going a little longer? His lack of motivation to find a job is not your problem. His reluctance to find a career is not your problem either. Your problem is, as you make clear, that he is still living at home and still dependent. So, your solution is simple but may be very difficult: give him a date by which he must move out. Draw a line in the sand and stick to your guns no matter what. It does not matter if he has a job or a career. He’ll find a job if he has to buy groceries and pay the rent. Give him three months to work and set aside some money to rent a place and feed himself. The hardest part will be yours—“kicking your ‘baby’ out”. And yet, that is the healthiest and most loving thing you can do for him. An axiom of parenting is that sometimes what is best for our children is the hardest for us to do. Please, let him grow up and find his way on his own. You give him a gift when you do that. Doug

Q. Dear Doug- I am at my wits end. My husband and I don’t talk to each other much any more. It is like we are roommates rather than husband and wife. We have been married for 15 years, and I love him very much, but lately I feel I don’t know him at all. When I try to bring this up, he just gets defensive and it turns into an argument. Do you have any advice on how to re-connect with my spouse? Georgia B.

A. Dear Georgia, Ouch! How painful it is to lose communication with the person you love the most. What I am guessing is that you and he have lost intimacy, that there is no longer a meaningful connection in your relationship. First, if he is unwilling to even talk about the schism you experience, there is nothing for you to do. You then have to make a choice to continue to live like roommates “till death do you part” or end the relationship. If he is willing to explore the source of the difficulties with you, there is hope.

What you face is not at all uncommon in a mature marriage and may be due to any number of causes. The best recommendation is to get some coaching or counseling for your relationship. Often, because of fear, anger and defensiveness, relationship problems are impossible to work through without professional intervention. I suggest that you invite your husband to join you in some Couples Coaching. Tell him that you want him to do it for you. If he refuses, then you are at that most difficult choice point: to stay and live out “desperate lives” or to find a partner with whom you connect and have meaningful communication. ...a very tough choice. Good luck! Doug

 

Q.  Dear Doug- I will be graduated this spring with a major in Business and a minor in Economics with the intention of entering the corporate world, like my dad.  I was planning to enter an MBA program in the fall but my mom says that there is a “glass ceiling” for women that keeps them from moving up the corporate ladder.  Is she right?  Betsy J.

A. Dear Betsy, Your mother is right to a point.  Traditionally women in management and lower level executive positions have often been passed over for promotions that are awarded to men who have similar or even an inferior performance records.  Things are changing albeit slowly.  For example, the increase in the number of Women CEO’s in the past several years is encouraging.  Keep in mind three things:

1. The glass ceiling is not as much of a problem for the best performing executive women. 
2. Things are changing.  There is a continuing decrease in gender discrimination for promotions at all levels.
3. If you expect there to be a “glass ceiling” there very well may be.  If you simply do the best you can do and outperform your peers, there will be no glass ceiling.  Go for it!

 

Q.  Dear Doug-  I would like to get more information on your executive coaching.  I don't need help finding my dream job - I have already landed it.  I now want to achieve the highest levels of productivity and success within my job and my personal life.  Mark D.

A. Dear Mark D., My Executive Coaching is based on two assumptions:  First, your human potential is limitless.  Second, if you are not fulfilling your potential, something is getting in your way--you are blocked in some way that you do not recognize. 

I have found that the two most common factors for executives are 1) self-limiting beliefs and fears, and 2) inadequate or ineffective interpersonal communication.  Since the causes of your problems are never "out there", I find it most useful to look inside where you have the choice to make changes.  When you change, the stuff "out there" changes.  It really works!  You will find the productivity and success you seek.

 

Q. Dear Doug- I divorced my husband almost 10 years ago.  After a year or so, I began looking for another husband.  I have tried everything and tried very hard to find “Mr. Right” but I keep finding Mr. Wrong even though they look pretty good at first.  Should I just stop trying and be single for the rest of my life?  Evette Z.

A. Dear Evette, My answer is “yes” and “no”.  Yes, stop trying to find Mr. Right.  The harder you try the less likely you are to find him.  Trying attracts Mr. Wrong.  And, “no” you don’t have to be single for the rest of your life.  If you work on yourself, you are more likely to attract Mr. Right.  Let go of trying and have faith that when you are ready, he will show up.  I’ve seen it happen over and over again.